My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
