I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
