It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
