Well apparently he's into motor boating.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
