O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
