I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
