My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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