My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
