I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
