i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
