Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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