I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
