There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
