Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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