pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
