im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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