Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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