i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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