Girls should come with a carfax report
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
