it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
