Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
