Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
