I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
