my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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