I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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