If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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