so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
