paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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