Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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