I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
