sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
