Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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