He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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