I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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