A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she told me i tasted like america
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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