I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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