Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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