Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
stop calling my apartment porn island.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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