So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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