he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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