I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am midnight drunk by noon
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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