eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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