awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
