i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
