I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i was born a porn star she said
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
