Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
