How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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