if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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