I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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