just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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